


The weight of an immortal soul

by Lavanyaa



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: 20th Century, Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Immortality, M/M, Oh My God, Pain, Poor Merlin (Merlin), Tears, There's A Tag For That, Waiting for Arthur Pendragon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-25 04:18:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17717894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lavanyaa/pseuds/Lavanyaa
Summary: Merlin didn't know at what exact moment he had realized that he was an immortal. But there were those little things.His wounds healing really quick, his body adjusting itself to any weather so he wouldn't get sick, his magic making changes to his body so he wouldn't age.It had taken years to Merlin, to realize that he wasn't aging at all.





	The weight of an immortal soul

**Author's Note:**

> Here another merlin fic!  
> I'm never gonna stop, am I...
> 
> Anyway, happy reading ❤️

He had came back to his hometown, a few weeks after Arthur died. He had sat in front of the Lake for hours, days, weeks, before his mother had found him. When she did, she had hugged him, and whispering tender words to him, she had taken him with her, back to their old place. He had been a mess. 

 

He hadn't eaten in weeks when his mother had found him. No one knew how he survived without eating, and drinking, all those weeks. He had been wearing his same clothes since the battle of Camlann, and he hadn't moved from the Lake of Avalon. 

When his mother had found him, he had been sitting on the ground, looking ahead of him, with dry tears on his face. 

When Hunith had come next to him, talked to him, and shaken Merlin to snap him out of his bubble, Merlin had taken minutes to react. 

 

And when he did, he had broken down in his mother's arms, whispering, again and again, the same sentence :

 

“He's gone mom, he's _gone_ ” 

 

His mother had hold him in her arms, letting her hand go through his hair, and caressing his back, all the while whispering comforting words in his ears. 

 

Then he had let her go, and asked his mother what she had been doing here, near the Lake. And his mother had told him that the whole Kingdom of Camelot had been looking for him. Merlin had replied by telling her that he could never go back to the place where everyone and everything would remind him of his loss, of Arthur, of how he had failed him. 

Then, his mother had simply smiled, and helping him get up, she had told him to come back home. 

 

And Merlin had said :

 

_“I can't… I have to wait here until Arthur comes back”_

 

Hunith had looked at him with teary, and painful eyes, and had said, 

 

_“Arthur wouldn't want you to just sit here and do nothing. Merlin, come home, sweetheart…”_

 

And Merlin had hesitated at first, but he had let her drag him away from the Lake. He had taken a last, long look at it, then turned back and had followed his mother. 

 

There were times where Merlin would wonder the real power of his magic. He had been sitting in front of the Lake for weeks with no food and no water, and he hadn't feel weak at all. He had been a little pale, when Hunith had found him, but he had been… alive. And of course, no normal human being would have done that. 

 

His magic, was indeed very powerful. The first time that Merlin realized its healing abilities was a few months after he came to Ealdor. He had been working in his mother's farm, alone, when a person had stabbed him on his back. The attacker had pushed Merlin on his back, and had started throwing punches, yelling how evil and unnatural Merlin was. 

 

Then, some people had came to help, and had taken the man away from Merlin. When his mother had found him, she had been worried sick and wanted to check the wound on his back, immediately. 

But when she had taken his shirt off to take a look at his back, the wound had disappeared, leaving absolutely no traces of blood. 

When they had came back to their home, his mother had questioned him, but Merlin silently went to his room and locked himself in. 

 

He, then, had went in front of a mirror, to take a look by himself. And there had been indeed no wound. Merlin hadn't even felt the magic doing the healing. He had felt a little pain when the attacker came at him, then nothing. That day, he had asked himself, 

 

_“Is this always gonna happen?”_

_“Will my magic heal all wounds whenever he would have one?”_

_“Would he ever bleed again?”_

_“Why was this starting now?”_

 

Then, with time, it had drawn on him, that he wasn't like any sorcerer. That his power was stronger than any other. And that his magic had more abilities than he had realized.

 

What had struck him the most, was that he hadn't feel any different. But his magic had become stronger, somehow.

 

Merlin didn't know at what exact moment he had realized that he was an immortal. But there were those little things. 

His wounds healing really quick, his body adjusting itself to any weather so he wouldn't get sick, his magic making changes to his body so he wouldn't age. 

It had taken years to Merlin, to realize that he wasn't aging at all. 

 

He had came to notice that he hadn't had even one grey hair, while his mother was growing older and older right in front of him. 

Or how he never had any back pain, when Gwen, who had been almost the same age as him, started to have health issues… 

He had noticed it, and ignored it, because not even him could live forever, right? His time would come soon enough, he had thought. 

 

He hadn't told his mother though, she had been already so worried about him. 

But whenever he was alone in his bedroom, Merlin would just lay down on his bed, and he would stare into the ceiling, and a few tears would roll from his eyes, and fall on his pillow. 

 

He had wanted to scream, cry, and throw everything around. Because this wasn't fair. How was he supposed to live like this? had thought Merlin. How was he supposed to go through, not one, but multiple deaths of his friends, such as Gwen, Leon, Percival, and Gaius… And what about his own mother's death? How was he going to go through all this loss and pain? How was he going to live through this? 

 

There had been times, where he would just lay down on his bed, and spend days and days, holding his pillow, and hiding himself from the world. 

His friends had visited him, they all had came to Ealdor multiple times to see how he was doing after Arthur's death. 

And sometimes Merlin would talk to them, or sometimes he would just stare into the empty while they would tell him about how everything was going with Camelot. They had never asked for his help though… Never. And Merlin had felt thankful for it. 

There had been a day, when Gwen had visited him. She had become so much older than he had last met her. She had tired eyes, and her skin had became a little pale, and some wrinkles were present on her face. Her, nor any of his friends, had made any comment about how he was still young. 

 

One day, Gwen just sat there, talking about how everyone sorcerers and non magical people were now living in harmony at Camelot, when Merlin had, out of the blue, said :

 

 _“I'm immortal_ ” 

 

Gwen had looked at him, not surprised, but saddened. Her eyes had started to water, and she had swallowed down, then getting up, she had come to sit next to him, then she had hugged him. And Merlin had hugged her back, crying into her arms, saying, 

 

 _“It's not fair, I can't do this, I can't do this_ ”

 

And she had said, 

 

 _“You're the strongest person I have ever met, you'll be fine, I promise, you'll be fine_ ”

 

Merlin hadn't believe her, back then. 

 

The pain and heartbreak that he had felt, everyday, since the moment he had realized that he was immortal, was indescribable… 

He had woken up every morning, with the mere thought of dark thoughts filled in his mind. He had been angry, sad, depressed, desperate. 

Every day had been a reminder of how he would live long after all of his friends would be gone, and his family. 

 

And he had done it. He had went to Camelot, for the first time, after years, when he had gotten the news of Gaius being very ill, and that he would probably not pass the night. 

He had sat next to Gaius, holding his hand, and easing his pain as much as he could have. 

He had seen Gaius take his last breath. He had hold Gaius’ hand in his, and had felt the life leaving him.

After Gaius, it had been Leon and Percival, they had been wounded in a little battle. And they had been beyond saving, Merlin had tried to, but he hadn't been able to save them. He had sat next to them, talking to them, making their pain any less in any way. They both had smiled at him, and said, one thing, and had closed their eyes, still smiling,

 

“ _Thank you, Merlin_ ”

 

Then, a few months later, the Saxons had attacked Camelot, and the Kingdom had failed into the enemies’ hands. The Queen had tried to save as many people as she could, but they had been outnumbered. She had been fatally injured, and Merlin had tried to push away the enemies, but he had spend so many years without using his magic, that he hadn't been able to take down all of them. 

 

He had been called by Gwen’s side, and had spent the last minutes of her life, holding her in his arms. His last friend in this world, had been taken away from him. He had spent hours, holding her in his arms, whispering and reassuring her, while she had been struggling to breathe because of the pain. But he had also begged her to not to leave him, because he wouldn't have anyone else. 

Gwen had looked up at him, and smiling at him, she had said, 

 

“ _I'm so glad you're here_ ”

 

And Merlin had answered, 

 

“ _I'm not leaving you_ ”

 

They had spend their last time together reminiscing their past time together, and they had also talked about Arthur. 

 

“ _I'll tell him… I'll tell him that you're waiting for him”_ had said Gwen, looking at him, with a smile and tears in her eyes. 

 

Merlin had laughed, his breaths getting caught in his throat, his shoulders shaking because of how hard he was crying. Everything surrounding him had been blood and fire. 

 

_“Tell him to not to be a prat and to hurry would you?”_

 

Gwen had laughed, and then her breath became slower, and her body had gone limp in his arms. 

 

Merlin had rocked her body in his arms, back and forth, crying and screaming in pain. 

He had taken her body to the Lake of Avalon, and had put her in a similar boat as Arthur's, and had send her away. 

Then, taking one last look, at the Kingdom which had become his life for the past few years, he had walked away, back to Ealdor. 

 

He had spend another few years, depressed and mourning everyone. His mother had been supportive, and had been at his side all the time. 

 

Then, his mother's time had came. And it had been the hardest one. Because it had happened when he had least expected it. It had been another normal day, where Merlin would spend most of the day in bed, but still would go out to do some farm work, and help the people of Ealdor when they asked for it. When he had come back to his home, it had been awfully quiet, and he had felt a usual aura around the house. Something had felt wrong. So when he had made his way to her mother's bedroom, he noticed that the wooden door was wide open, and right there, in her room, on the floor, his mother had been laying, motionless. 

He hadn't even needed to go closer to her, to check for a pulse, he had knew what happened. He knew that she was already dead. 

 

He had taken her in his arms, held her close, as he spend hours and hours crying in her shoulders, saying these words all over again:

 

 _“Mom wake up, please, please_ …”

 

But she hadn't. Merlin had taken her behind their home, to bury her, with the help of some of the villagers. And Merlin had spend that day, in his mother's bedroom, holding the pillow she used to sleep on, against his chest, and crying. He remembered thinking about how unfair life was. 

 

He had lost Will, Freya, his father, Elyan, Lancelot, Gwaine, Arthur, Leon, Percival, Gwen, and his mother. 

 

Why did everyone leave him? What had he done to deserve this? Why the ability to live forever, as an immortal, had been given to him, while all the people who had deserved to live more had been taken away? Why him? Why is it always him? What had he done to deserve this unbearable agony? 

Merlin had been on her mother's bed, and had wondered how he was going to spend the rest of immortal life, alone… How was he supposed to wake up every morning, and hoping that one day Arthur would be back, and that one day this heart wrenching pain would stop. 

He had spend days, in his home, closed off from everyone, after his mother passed away. Some people of Ealdor had came to check on him, because they had been worried about him, but Merlin hadn't let anyone inside. 

 

He hadn't known if there was any immortal sorcerers like him in this world, but he wouldn't have been surprised if he was the only one. Because who would willingly become an immortal? For Merlin, living forever, was going to be more than a torture. 

 

After a few days had passed, Merlin left Ealdor, leaving his hometown, and its people behind, not even saying goodbye. He had left. And since that day, he had always wandered around, going from village to village, only because he had nowhere else to go. But he had always stayed around Camelot, watching the Kingdom and rulers change. He had never left the sight of the Lake of Avalon, because he would go there, every day, and he would sit there, and talk alone, thinking that he was talking to Arthur. And to every other people he had let go on this lake. He would complain a lot, about his loneliness, and his boring, useless life. He would tell to whoever who had been listening, how much he was aching to see them, just one last time. 

And he would talk to Arthur. Some days it had been hard, he would just sit on the grass, and cry his heart out, and some days, he would insult the lost King, telling him to come back soon, because it had been already a long time. 

 

The word had changed around him, the magic and sorcerers had disappeared, even his magic had slowly started to hide inside of him. He still felt it, his magic, vibrating in his core, but not making any progress of making itself seen. 

And Merlin hadn't tried to seek it back, he had let it go. 

 

Plagues, epidemics, wars, and natural disasters had ravaged the Earth, killing thousands and thousands of people. All the killings in the name of God, and religion, and race, had shown to Merlin how this world was slowly sinking into the darkness. Every time that something bad would happen, Merlin would go to the Lake of Avalon, and he would stare at it, hope shining in his eyes, thinking that this time, it would be Arthur's time to come back home. That Arthur would rise from the dead and save the world. But Arthur hadn't come back. Not during the world war one, or the world war two, and not during the hundreds wars that had followed. And slowly, Merlin had started to lose hope. 

 

Because it had been thousands of years. And Merlin was still here. Waiting. It had been centuries, Merlin had lost count of how many years it had been. But he knew that it had been too much. 

Now, it was 2019. The world was becoming darker and darker, and the humans… The humans were becoming more cruel, they used their hate to rule the world, and some of them spend more time hating than loving their own. 

Anti-semitism, homophobia, religious wars, slavery, capitalism, and terrorism were killing this world, and Merlin felt the darkness close itself around some humans, around this world. And he wished he could do something, he wish he could help them. But he couldn't. Because if he helped them, they would know who he really was. And humans, they were… chaotic. Every time they would come across something different from them, from their way of life, they would look at it with disdain and hate. Some of them at least. And Merlin couldn't risk that. Because with time, he had learned to know that the human cruelty knew no limits. He didn't want to end up as a lab rat, in the hands of people who would use him as an experiment to understand things which were beyond their capacities. 

 

Merlin couldn't take such risk, not when he was still waiting for Arthur. Of course, Merlin knew that the whole humanity wasn't bad, that there were some good people out there, but how much time would it take for them, to slip and become prisoners of their desires? 

Right now, everything was going wrong on Earth. Killings were becoming more and more… common. And the victims became the target of blame, while the ones who should be blamed would get out of the situation without getting punished. And that, sometimes, would make Merlin's blood boil… 

The world was at its worst, and Arthur was still taking his time… What was he waiting for? The end of the world? Because he needed to come back right now. Because Merlin wanted to save the humanity. Because there were good people, and they were becoming the targets of the bad ones, and they were the one suffering. And Merlin wanted to help. He wanted to save humanity and help the humans to find their righteous path again. But he couldn't do that without Arthur… 

 

Walking on the street, while cars and trucks were driving on the other side, Merlin stopped, and turned at his side, and looked at the Lake of Avalon. Everything had changed, but the Lake was still there. It had survived battles and wars, rage and hate, and was still standing. A tiny smile appeared on Merlin's face, and he started waking again. 

 

If Arthur wanted him to wait another centuries, he would. Because this was his destiny. 

But he simply hoped that he wouldn't take too long, because the world was ending, swallowing itself in hate and evilness. 

 

And the Once and Future King of Camelot was its only hope to find the light again. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Go check out my other merlin fanfictions if you're interested! *hugs*
> 
> ❤️❤️


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